do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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