wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
