I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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