Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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