just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
