so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
