Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
