Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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