my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
