I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
