big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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