I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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