so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
