Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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