i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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