dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
