Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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