Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
