You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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