Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
