im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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