in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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