My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
