I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
