I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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