I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
