Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
