I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
