So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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