I'm eating all of the evidence.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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