my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He did a backflip because drugs
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
