Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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