Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he fucked my hip out of place.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
