The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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