Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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