Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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