I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
