Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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