Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're too hungover to prance.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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