My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
