Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
