my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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