im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
