is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Randomize
