I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My legs feel like baby dolphins
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
