Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
please don't ironically join a cult
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