i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
