I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
