im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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