so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
